She groaned and rested her head in her hands. She began mumbling, not knowing that her lips were struggling to voice the thoughts that were tormenting her. The frustration built up and she found herself kicking her memory box over, watching the contents spill on to the carpet. Ticket stubs, receipts, pictures, notes, stones... And then she was back to kicking the memories around in her mind.
Had it really been a year ago? Just twelve months? Why was it a lifetime away? And why was it still so close to her heart?
"But I'm not the same person I was then... I don't want the same things... I'm not looking for that anymore... and yet... yet I feel like a boomerang-- going back to where I came from." A tear slipped down her cheek. She shook her head, trying to shake free from the paralyzing grip of those memories. For a split second it worked. She knew she'd never go back... but she wondered if she'd ever be healed.
She spun around when she heard his footsteps behind her. He eyed her, taking her in... her tear-stained face, the mess surrounding her, her closed fists. Compassion filled his eyes and he took a couple of steps toward her.
She shuddered as his gentle hands loosened her grip on the photograph. She looked away, not wanting to see his reaction to all the spilled memories.
Silence.
And then... then, a small giggle. She slowly turned, desperately wanting to know why he was laughing. She eyed the photograph in his hand and allowed the memory to take her in.
Water soaked her shirt and she shrieked, determined to find revenge. The playful waterfight soon turned into an intense competition. It always was a competition, wasn't it? He finally stopped, looked deep into her eyes, and simply smiled. She relaxed and took a step toward him, finding herself in the midst of a deep, comforting embrace. She rested her head on his chest and allowed her heartbeat to slow, matching his.
Her eyes shot open. Her eyes screamed of fear and she turned to look at him. Anger welled up inside and before she knew it, she was talking to him... she was attacking him.
"Why would you want me to remember that? Why does that make you smile? Don't you get it? Every time he invades my thoughts, he invades me heart... and it hurts. You know this. Don't you care? Don't you see? I can't keep all of these memory catalysts. They tear me apart." She ripped the photograph out of his hand and frantically began stuffing them all back into to box. I'll destroy them this time and maybe then, then I'll be healed.
"It's okay to remember things that made you happy." She froze. His words penetrated and sunk deep into her heart. He continued, "I remember you laughing that day. I remember the way he made you feel. I remember the joy you guys shared. It made me smile."
A tear drop landed on the photograph. Why had she never heard him say that before? Had she ever stopped to listen? How would she ever be free from his grip on her memories if she allowed herself to remember the happy ones too?
There were so many things that had made her happy.
She whispered, "If I keep remembering, then how will I ever find healing?"
Jesus gave her a sympathetic smile, "By running to me. You'll only ever find healing in me. You'll find the strength to forgive in me. You'll find the freedom you're so desperately searching for. You'll be able to remember, and smile... you'll be free from this paralyzing grip... only through me."
