She eyed the food on the table, feeling a little queasy. Visions of starving children with swollen bellies flashed before her eyes. The obscene amounts of food blurred and she remembered the earnest hugs given to her by skinny children! The smell, though delicious, made her think of the sewer-less neighborhoods... neighborhoods that rarely experienced intoxicatingly good smells.
She glanced at him. He stood in the kitchen, his back toward her, preparing some other dish to bless her with. She was thankful-- of course, she was thankful. How could she NOT be thankful for this special attention and his caring attitude? She couldn't help but notice the expensive candles on the table and the incredible decorations that were scattered throughout the apartment. Why is there so much wealth right here? Why now? Why me? She sighed and tried to focus on what he was saying to her. Something about being so happy she had come.
He turned with a steamy dish of vegetables. He flashed her a dashing smile and brought it to the table. He wiped his hands on the apron, sat down and gently reached for her hands. After a short prayer of true gratitude and humility, he looked up and winked.
"Dig in," he motioned to all the dishes.
She forced a smile and reached for the pasta. She pushed away negative thoughts and tried focusing on him, and trying to recognize and be thankful for this blessing. It didn't take long to know that he was watching her. No... not just watching her, but analyzing her. She gulped and tried to plaster another smile on her face.
But when she looked up, she didn't see anger. He was full of compassion... he was hurting with her and for her... and maybe, because of her. That thought terrified her. She swallowed hard and took a bite. Instantly, a million tastes exploded in her mouth, she had to close her eyes to properly savor the meal before her.
And then, came the stream of hungry eyes, of swollen bellies, of bare feet. Her eyes shot open and their eyes connected.
She knew he knew.
"I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry," she began mumbling. "This really is delicious, and I really appreciate all the time and energy you put into this... and that you would want to bless me like this... and I'm really, really thankful..."
"But...?" He tenderly prodded.
"But I'm really struggling right now. Why did you invite me? And why didn't you invite them?" She didn't have to specify who 'they' were... he knew them by name. She continued, "I just don't understand why... you've given me more than I deserve. What did I do to be so blessed? And what did they do to... not be?" The words were barely more than a whisper. A tear slowly slipped down her face, but she didn't make a move to wipe it away.
"You see, its not just this one meal... but its everything. You've given me absolutely everything-- so much more than I could ever want or need... and I believe you that I can use it to bless others... but will I ever bless anyone enough to make up for all of my blessings?" She couldn't bare to look up at him.
He whispered her name, commanding her to look up. When she finally did, she saw that he too, was crying, "My precious child. You cannot forget that I love them more than you even can. These are my children too. I know them by name and I see their every tear."
Anger welled up inside her. Before she could stop herself she felt the words pouring out, "Then WHY are they dying every day? WHY do they watch their loved ones die? WHY must the depend on the generosity and mercy of others to simply survive? YOU can fix that!"
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted it. Pain flashed through his eyes and he looked down. She didn't know what to say, but she didn't have to say anything.
Jesus simply whispered, "This reality is but a fleeting moment... I died for them too."
