Two: Surrender

She threaded one end of the string through the other and pulled. The knot tightened. Her heart tightened. She could feel his eyes on her, but she could find the will to meet his gaze. A sigh slipped out as she placed her hands in her lap.

“Look,” she said, “I’m just tired. I’m tired of trying to be good enough for you. I’m tired of trying to do it myself. Its exhausting and I fear I’ll never measure up. You said I don’t need to change to accept your love… but I want to. I love you—at least I think I do… I believe I do. I trust you—as much as I know how. But is that enough? I’m sick of words flying out of my mouth and falling helplessly. They’re empty. Why? You say you love me. But I’m scared of your love. I’m scared of myself.”

He handed her another piece of string. She continued tying knots. The silence seemed heavy and every knot seemed to squeeze her stomach tighter. Their eyes met and before he could say anything she decided to continue.

“You say all you want—all you expect from me—is my heart. But can’t you see? All you want is all I am. I’ve told you that you can have everything. But ‘everything’ is too hard to understand when I have nothing… am nothing.” That realization hurt: it pierced. Nothing. Why would he love her… love nothing? He beckoned her heart to surrender. Surrender, however, was so much more than a simple prayer she couldn’t figure out.

“You promised me something better, but why must I release my ‘good’ to receive your ‘better’? I can’t seem to figure out how to let go… how to loosen my grip. Would you just take this from me? Don’t ask for me to release it… I’m asking you to take it. Do you hate me for asking? Are you sick of me failing?”

He held out his hand and asked for the string full of knots. Not understanding, she handed them to him and tried to put her thoughts in order. Or maybe she was putting her heart in order. How can he love me when I refuse to surrender?

Jesus untied the knots. One by one. “If you trust me, I can untie the knots… and teach you the art of surrender.”